Winter

I have been outside. Not particularly unusual but for me it's been special. For the past two winters I've been restricted in what I can do; too ill or scared or breathless or in pain to go out on the cold & blustery days. If I was out I hid on buses; sheltered from the elements, crammed in with other weather cowards & seasonal refugees, all reluctant to experience the wilds of winter. So today I forced myself up & out despite the ever present pain, despite the breathlessness, despite the annoying fearful little voice trying to convince me to stay in & worry about the weather making me more wheezy.

Focus on the tasks of the morning, focus on saying anything positive inside my head, focus on all the layers of lovely fabrics I can pile on to protect the fragile chest.

So I got out. I breathed the chilly winter air, the drizzle dampened me & the wind swirled aggressively around me. It was exhilarating. Bashed about by the breeze, walking proud through the murk of winter weather I felt like I'd beaten something. A victory for me. I've missed the winter. Missed the savage blast & the surprise cold of the downpour. Missed the rapid changing sky. Missed the fantastic feeling of being safe & snug in the middle of cold brutality.

The fragile chest still hurts & my lungs still feel like shattered glass, but no more than they did earlier, no more than they did yesterday & no more than they will tomorrow when I shall venture out again. Another fear felt. Another fear beaten. All I need to worry about is which coat I'll choose tomorrow.