I
have among other things been boosting my recovery & self
awareness by attending some counselling sessions which have brought
about a wonderful epiphany.
I
found it difficult to get into initially; being on the other side of
the therapeutic relationship is a hard thing to fathom, but the lady
I've seen is skilled & warm & I soon stopped looking out for
technique, got myself to trust the process & let myself go.
After
the second session I had said a lot of things out loud that I'd only
ever said in my head & immediately suppressed, buried & banished away
for good. I felt a burden lift. In the third session I was carefully
& considerately coaxed into discussing these again. It was
difficult. I didn't want to say them once, let alone twice. I'm glad
I did.
Since
then I have come to realise that my fear of anger has made me bottle
up & suppress all of my own anger & rage. This is my
epiphany. I haven't allowed myself an outburst for 10 years, or rather
I thought I hadn't. I can see & acknowledge now that little bits
of it have been shooting out all over the place without me being
aware or in control of it.
I
fear the damage, judgement, power, strength & force of my anger. I naturally have a long fuse but when it blows it tends to blow big. When I used to let anger out it was only ever when under the
influence of booze or pills & powders so it came out wrong
anyway. With this realisation I can see that I haven't been able to
grieve properly for things I've lost; my beloved Dorian, my job, my
health, relationships, clothes (I'm so sentimental about my suits...)
I have not allowed myself to experience the anger resulting from
their loss so I haven't completed the grieving process.
So
now I have a task. I have to learn how to be angry productively &
handle it without the altered mental states I used to habitually
seek. I have to trust myself enough to know that I'll let the anger
out in a constructive way. I have to experience the fear of my own
anger & express it anyway.
Another step. It feels like a big one.
Expect rants.
